When it all gets too much…pregnancy, hatred, & coping with the uncopeable.

*Please be aware that I am talking about sensitive topics in the post below. This is an opinion piece. If you or someone you know needs helps with depression, please call 1-800-273-8255 for immediate help.* 

Call it pregnancy hormones, an emotional outburst, whatever you want, but I really need to get a few things off my chest.

I’m a highly-sensitive person. I’m also an empath and experience high-functioning anxiety on a daily basis.

I could sit here and list a ton of reasons why I experience these things as an adult. I could pick apart my past, analyze what could have and should have – but that doesn’t help me in the now.

I’m not going to say that this is an article listing out the ways to deal with stress, anxiety, or even basic human emotions. I don’t have solutions for you – I barely have solutions for myself.

During pregnancy I have definitely become more aware of what gets me upset. I’ve learned that how I’m used to handling stressors and triggers often leads me to harder outcomes. However, I’ve also learned that I do not have roll over and do what others want just for the sake of their happiness – especially when it completely compromises mine and everything I believe in.

Your happiness matters. Showing compassion towards yourself leads to compassion for others. 

With that being said, I’ve noticed a trend through my life when special occasions happen. I’m a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I want to show understanding and make decisions based on the happiness of the majority of people attending.

And that’s ok. But sometimes it can lead to longterm regret and un-fulfillment. 

And I’ve always been “okay” with that sacrifice. But in a world full of people that have no trouble sharing unsolicited advice and criticism, sometimes your happiness HAS to be the first priority. And let me define my take on happiness before I go any further: Happiness (to me) is having a peaceful sense of confidence and fulfillment in your soul, knowing that you’re doing the right thing(s). Now this can also be called faith, but for me, I’ve learned that when I feel fulfilled and and that I’ve listened to my gut – an overwhelming sense of happiness comes to me. I really don’t think it’s as instant as the type of happiness you get from receiving a present or when you get good news. No, this is a happiness that is longer lasting and way more meaningful.

I feel like this is a pretty universal statement – but I tend to learn big things about myself when major life changes happen.

With my wedding, I learned tons of things. One major thing being that I am not typical with the things I like and that sometimes doing the “stereotypical” thing isn’t the right thing for me – and that’s ok. 

With this pregnancy, I’ve learned even more about myself. A major one being that for all the years I’ve kept quiet about my opinion on major subjects, it’s done nothing but bring injustice to myself, my future child, and my humanity. I’ve learned a lot about my character and who I want to be perceived as a person.

For me, it’s humanity over money. Simple as that.

You don’t have to agree with me. You have the right to your own beliefs.

I’ve also learned that I am a highly sensitive person (with my emotions) and that taking a few steps back before responding to something upsetting often prevents a situation from getting harder. That being said, I’m still pretty terrible at it because I am an extremely passionate person and when I strongly feel something, I loose my head and jump right in for the fight. A lot of you probably don’t know that about me because over the years I’ve suppressed it instead of learning how to handle it properly. For the sake of my husband and child, I am forcing myself to bring it to light and I’m learning how to be better.

Nothing is ever set in stone. Emotions don’t have to run or ruin your life. And apologizing for every little thing more often than not – doesn’t help.

Show compassion towards yourself. Ask yourself if you really know right from wrong, kindness from criticism, love from ignorance? I think it’s safe to say that these things are something we learn throughout our lifetime. That we’re never truly experts on it, and that it’s the choices we make that define us.

In a world like today’s we need to find our voices in the most compassionate way possible. In the past few years, I come across more and more hatred – some though social media, some verbal – and I am insanely confused and depressed by it.

I have an extremely hard time understanding where ignorance and hatred for others come from. Sure, I severely disagree and “hate” when someone posts something racist and/or ignorant. I hate it. A fire lights in me like I can’t even begin to describe. My heart pounds and I feel a rush of anger flow over me. I get a crap ton of questions flood my head like, “do I still want to be friends with this person?”

And so many more.

In the past I’ve ignored it. And that definitely doesn’t help.

Now I’m learning how to use my voice to combat the hate in a compassionate way.

I’m still learning how to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest every time – especially when the hate comes from people I’m close to.

Sometimes it all gets too much.

I wasn’t raised in a hateful environment. This only started entering my world about 4-5 years ago. My world changed completely after my parents split, and handling that everyday is an ongoing battle, but never did I think I’d have to fight against topics like racism and hatred towards others.

Truly. Call me naive because that’s exactly what I am. I grew up in a middle class home and as a white person, life wasn’t ever too difficult for me. I will NEVER understand the struggles other people have – white, black, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, you name it – because I will never walk in another persons shoes.

So what I can do? There’s a few simple choices I can make that can be part of the solution. I can vote. I can stick up for whats right by stating basic facts of right and wrong – you know, stuff we learn in kindergarten as a small child. Things like, don’t take their toy just because they took yours. Be the BIGGER person and of course when you’re that little you tell a teacher. To connect the metaphor – taking a toy refers to doing something wrong just because someone else did it. Dressing up in blackface in the past, though society had a twisted way of thinking (and still does) and didn’t claim it to be generally viewed as wrong, DOESN’T mean it wasn’t ever wrong. Black face, white face, ignorance towards other cultures/races/religions – meaning doing things with malicious intent – is and will forever be wrong.

More kindergarten lessons: Don’t call others names. Don’t push him/her because you’re angry – boy that one’s gotten lost as we as a society have gotten older. Physical violence with firearms, sexual and verbal abuse, hypocrisy and so much more have yet to become a thing of the past.

For those of you who know my stance on the political climate – whether you agree with me or not – I do feel like we can all agree that there is basic right and wrong.

Just the simple act of writing all this causes my heart to practically beat out my chest. 

It’s even more intense now that I’m expecting a baby. I want to be a role model for this child. I will not be the mom to stand back and let the world happen and not share my views. My desire is to always share them gracefully.

I want by baby to know that they have a voice and that it’s an incredible thing to be able to share it. I want my child to know that there is good is the world. That with an open mind and heart they will see it. That hating and criticizing others is just going to bring them a life of sadness and lack of being able to experience the world fully. That with a simple word, you can spread so much hate and that is a choice. We choose to hurt people. We choose to love people. I feel that a lot of the time we forget that we have the power to choose. 

We only get one life. We get one body. I don’t understand the desire to spread hate when love is truly the best feeling in the world. 

Apparently word vomit is something I’m good at because that’s this post in a nutshell. It’s me dumping some of my recent feelings onto a space where I can make a tiny difference, or at least relate to someone going through something similar. If you don’t like what you’re reading, I am very sorry and I hope you can click out of my blog with compassion.

I’m not very good with disappointment. I’m not very good with fighting and defending myself. My body shakes, I get bad anxiety and most of the time my perfect solution (in my head) is dropping it all and distancing myself.

I love the place we are in now here In GVL. It’s taken 3 years, but I can honestly say we’ve made some incredible friends – most of whom I hope to carry with me throughout the rest of my life.

But I would be lying if I didn’t feel like sometimes I just want to pack up and move. Start again. Distance myself. And heal.

Most of the time I don’t even know what that means. Heal? Can’t you do that by treating yourself to some relaxation or going on a vacation? I wish it was that simple. And I have a feeling some of you would agree with me on that.

The topic of compassion is extremely important to me. I never know how to really put things into words, but I feel like I needed to share some of my struggles with you. Being pregnant and emotional. Becoming a new mom and being furious with the world. Learning how to show compassion and grace when it’s the hardest times to show it.

Anyways, if this rings a bell with you at all feel free to message me privately on Instagram of Facebook.

Stephanie

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